Secret #10: Lies

Whatever I might say or do,
I just can't stop thinking of you.
People say it's not worth it,
And maybe they're right.
But I'll be up all night
Just wishing we were together again.
So I'll tell my lies,
Let you think I've moved on;
But really all I want is you,
Just to be with you.


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Secret #9: To Marcus

Today I'm happy.

I'm not worried about anything but school,

And I'm so glad to be alive.

Today I'm thanking God that I did not end it all.

Every single day is a precious gift,

And it was given back to me by the most precious soul I know.

Today I wish that I could repay him,

I wish that there was a way I could tell him how thankful I am.

I want to express my gratitude, but I know I never can.

Today everything is right with the world.

My mind is free from the clouds,

And I'm loving every second of this freedom.

Secret #8

I'm desperately jealous of every couple I see.

I don't care if they're happy or not, at least they have someone.

Every time I see a couple holding hands, I'm secretly afraid that I'll be alone forever.

Secret #7

I'm not even trying to hide how I feel anymore. When I'm depressed, I'm gonna let it show. I cat stand all this pretending like it's all ok. I can't handle being strong on my own anymore. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on, somebody to support me. And while he's sitting right next to me, I can tell he doesn't notice. What more do I have to do to make him see how desperately I need him? I think I've finally found the courage to hurt myself. Maybe tonight I'll also find the courage to tell him what's going through my head...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Secret #6

Today one of my best friends walked right past me, up to my other friends, and asked where I was. They pointed to me, sitting less than five feet away. Even though I know she didn't mean anything by it, it made me feel invisible.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Secret #5

Today I did something crazy.

I told someone.

I told him that I think of suicide,

That I wish to leave this all behind.

And why I told him I don't know,

But I know I've never felt so strong.

I don't usually talk about my depression with others.

If I tell them what goes through my mind,

I'm afraid they'll think I'm weak.

And I'm not.

But sometimes I convince myself that to tell is to admit a flaw.

To admit a flaw is to acknowledge weakness.

To acknowledge weakness is to lose your strength.

To lose your strength is to give up.

And to give up is to die.

But he understood, he noticed that something was up,

Even though I wouldn't even look at him,

Even though I was laughing and hiding it from those around me.

Thank you for noticing, Marcus.

Even if you didn't say something up front,

You noticing means the world to me.

Thank you again for reminding me what I have to live for :)

Secret #4

Tonight someone noticed.

They noticed that I had been crying.

They asked me what was wrong.

And even though I said I was ok,

Someone finally noticed.

Maybe I'm not all alone in this world after all...

Secret #3

Tonight, I secretly wished that something awful would happen to me.

I just want people to pay attention.

But I don't want to be the one who comes out and says I need help.

I can't let them think that I'm not strong.

Secret #2

I'm not strong. I'm very, very weak.

I spend every waking moment fighting an uphill battle.

And you know what scares me the most?

I'm not afraid of losing this battle.

I'm afraid that someone will see through me

And for once notice that my life is not perfect.

I'm so afraid to trust other people that it's beginning to scare me.

And I don't know what to do.

Secret #1

Every single day I think about hurting myself.

I can never bring myself to actually break the skin when I hold the knife to it.

Sometimes I wish I could, wish I could show the world how much pain I'm in.

But really, I'm a coward. I don't want them to think that I'm weak, think that I can't deal.

I don't want people to know that I'm not okay.

If they know, then what happens?

I can't handle the judgement that's going to happen, the disbelief on their faces.

Because I know I hide it all too well.

I keep myself from showing how I feel because it scares me to admit it.